Wednesday’s Wafers IX

Wednesday’s Wafers: weekly series where I share some of my own recent writing.

Return for Chapter 5 of my short story at a later date.

The romantic fool in me wrote this during a two-day period when I’d thought that I’d been abandoned again. Thankfully, I was wrong! But this is what it’s come to: engaging self-preservation mode to prevent weeks of agonizing over someone by condensing it into a 24-hour period of anguish. So, now I can read it and laugh gleefully, feeling safe in my bubble of adoration and addiction.

Pieces by Karolyn H


Even now,
it’s still devastating…
to lose a love
so sweet so pure so unexpected.
Even though I knew it could happen
and I knew that he would stop
if he no longer felt the
same euphoria
that we shared for a short time.

Love is love.
It’s real
It makes me happy
He filled my heart
He loved me
He loved to hear me sing.
And now I cry
and wait to stop crying.
I wonder what he would do if he could see and hear me cry
over missing him.
Still hoping,
but not expecting
to ever hear his magic voice again.

My stupid heart is broken.
It still hurts.
So, I whisper to myself
“just pretend”
go back to who I was before I knew him.
Forget all the beautiful little pieces of him
that he shared with me.
But my heart rejects this.
“Be happy for the love we shared,”
I whisper, determined.
Move on.

But those little pieces poke
and stab.
Instead of sleeping,
I bleed.


Wednesday’s Wafers VIII

Wednesday’s Wafers: weekly series where I share some of my own recent writing.

Return for Chapter 5 of my short story at a later date.

So–this is what happens when you think you know what you’re doing. When you have a plan. And then a random person splashes down right in the middle of that plan. And threatens your sanity.

Hovering  by Karolyn H

Rational thoughts,
responsible decisions, and
confident actions
absurd feelings,
reckless choices, and
foolish reactions.



in the realm that lies
between common sense and
hopeless distraction.

Losing perspective,
while gaining clarity.

That which my stability needs
is not what my heart wants.

Practicality and logic
cannot compete
with the music that makes my soul dance.

Your strength makes me weak
this love makes me strong.

Memories and dreams,
promises and heartaches,
old lovers and obsessions
all fade away

making room for a new flame,
opening a door
that could lead me



Wednesday’s Wafers VII

Wednesday’s Wafers: weekly series where I share some of my own recent writing.

Behold: Chapter 4! Be sure to catch up on any chapters you may have missed.

Ch. 4  Box of Clues  by Karolyn H  —  [Ch. 1] [Ch. 2] [Ch. 3]


Standing on the step-stool, I brace myself with one hand on the closet’s door frame, and reach up with the other to grab a shoebox off the shelf. Soco is sitting on the corner of my bed, watching me supportively, ready to investigate and play with any object that might fall to the floor.

I step down, scratch her briefly behind the ears, and take the shoebox with me out of the bedroom. Setting it on the kitchen island, I forage for snacks.

A bowl of watermelon cubes and a tall glass of iced tea should hit the spot. Soco is now standing by the front door, holding her leash between her teeth, looking at me expectantly. “Later, Soco, I have stuff to do right now.” I take the leash from her, and open the door, sending her out to roam around on her own. I leave the front door open to let in a breeze and pull the screen door shut to keep out the flying and crawling little buggers.

Armed with both determination and reluctance, I take off the lid of the shoebox and place it on the counter.

It’s been almost two weeks since I started working for Mr. Pagano. I wasn’t any closer to finding out what happened to my husband, but I had gotten comfortable with my work routine and felt that I had already began to build trust with my employer which would likely come into play when the right opportunity presented itself.

I dump everything out of the box onto the countertop. Here lay all the papers and photos and bits of evidence that I’ve gathered that are in any way connected to Morgan’s job and his last few days before disappearing. Check stubs, receipts, notes, mail, printed emails and bank statements, and—what I believed to be the most important piece—a flash drive containing copies of texts, photos, contact numbers, one short video and files.

Approximately eleven months ago, I had been working part time at a local specialty clothing store and Morgan had a job as an armed security officer with a local branch of Absolute Protection Enterprises, newly managed by Mr. Pagano. Morgan’s team had just been hired by an unknown client, for protection services. That was all he had been able to tell me about it.

That weekend, the new branch manager, Mr. Pagano, was out of town and unavailable, according to the receptionist, when I’d called the office looking for information on Morgan’s whereabouts. Since we’d never met or spoke before, he had no idea that I was the wife of one of his previous employees. When I applied for the housekeeping position a month ago, I gave him my maiden name. As I’d been working at Frankie’s Frocks for almost six years, my ex-boss still had me listed in their records under my maiden name, simply because it was easier than bothering to update the paperwork. She was sad to let me go, but happy to give me a reference, agreeing to my condition that she wouldn’t use my married name, or mention my current circumstances.

It was fortunate that Mr. Pagano had neglected to request my social security number to conduct an actual background check, and had relied on calls to a couple references, and on his judge of character.  Plus, as he paid me in cash, there would be no paper trail for him to follow. Even if he had decided to pay via checks, I would still be able to cash them using my maiden name through the bank account I’d kept, even after getting married and opening a separate joint account with Morgan at a different bank.

I picked up a gas station receipt, dated two days before the last time I’d had any contact with him. I’d found it in the pocket of one of his pairs of work khakis. He’d been in Blackfoot, apparently. I had reason to believe this gas station was located within a few miles of his team’s worksite that day, according to a couple texts he’d sent me that were time-stamped only a few minutes after the time on the receipt.

My phone will be turned off once I leave here sweetie. I’ll be at work in a few and will turn it back on when I’m headed home tonight. Love ya, see you tonight.

That night, he’d returned home exhausted and not very talkative. But the sensation of being curled up next to him on the sofa in front of the fireplace, drinking lime-flavored beer from the bottle, was still vivid in my mind.

I eat a few watermelon pieces and take a sip of iced tea. Looking outside, I watch Soco running back and forth, chasing the birds flying from tree to tree as they taunt her. I wonder whether I’m on a similar pointless chase, looking for clues and threads that might—or might not—lead me to answers and some sort of resolution.

The last text I’d received from him was imbedded in my memory, cryptic though it was. I’d read it over countless times, wishing he had given me more, wishing he’d called instead, always missing him fiercely.

E, don’t trust anyone don’t look for me luv you forever angel sorry 

I’d followed his mysterious wishes for months, through the initial denial that he was gone, and my feelings of helplessness.

Then, one Sunday afternoon, my friend, Joanne, who works as a waitress at a diner just off the freeway, called.  She asked me, “What was the name of Morgan’s manager again?” Confused as to why she would want to know, I told her I thought it was Mr. Pagano, that I didn’t know his first name. She then told me that she was pretty sure that he had just been sitting at the bar, having lunch and chatting up another waitress, joking about needing a housekeeper and passing out a few business cards. Joanne then went on to describe a blind date she’d gone out with recently, lamenting the guy’s lack of manners and sense of humor.

At that moment, I hadn’t really been sure what to do with the information. I’d filed it away, and talked with her for a few more minutes until her break was up.

That night, as I contemplated the empty side of our bed, I’d decided that this bit of information might be useful after all. Getting dressed again, I’d driven out to the diner, knowing that Joanne’s shift was over and she wouldn’t be there. I sat on one of the stools up at the bar and ordered a slice of lemon meringue pie. I’d been about to ask the waitress if she’d heard anything about the man who was in earlier looking for a housekeeper, when I saw a few stacks of business cards at the end of the bar near the register.

I’d gotten up to check them out, and—sure enough—next to some cards for a local gardening service, there were two cards with the name ‘Nicholas Pagano’ printed on them along with a phone number and nothing else. I snagged one, and back at my seat, had slipped it in my wallet. I finished my pie and drove back home.

Standing in front of Auntie Apple that night, I hadn’t spoken the usual words, but just closed my eyes and let the loneliness fill me up and spill down my cheeks. After remaining like that for several moments, I’d finally opened them again and walked up the stairs to unlock the door.

Even though I’d been happy at my retail job, I’d called Mr. Pagano the very next day to inquire about the open housekeeping position. I couldn’t sit by and do nothing anymore. Instinctively, I’d known that I needed to keep my true identity hidden from him, at least for a while.

Now, as I stood in my kitchen, I focused on the small piece of cloth I’d been holding in my hand. It appeared to be a logo or symbol of some kind, and the edges were torn as if it had been ripped from an article of clothing. I’d discovered it on the floor of the Toyota a couple days after Morgan had been missing and realized that he must have dropped it there on the day during the previous week when he’d taken my truck instead of his because his was low on gas.

It had to be important. I must figure out where it came from, and how it could lead me to the end of this path, no matter what might be waiting for me. I place the piece of cloth back in the box, along with everything else, except for the flash drive.

After finishing off the iced tea, I take the shoebox back into my bedroom and set it on top of the dresser. I walk over to my desk and open my laptop, popping the flash drive into the port, ready to examine everything on it one more time.



Wednesday’s Wafers VI

Wednesday’s Wafers: weekly series where I share some of my own recent writing.

Return next week for Chapter 4 in my short story.

I’m not a gamer. I never play World of Warcraft. I don’t own any consoles or first person shooter games. I used to love watching my son play Halo and Elder Scrolls, etc., but I never spent time playing any of them myself. I do like to play a word game and a puzzle game on my phone occasionally because I feel it helps keep my mind sharp. Well – then I discovered Empires & Allies, a strategy, resource gathering, base building, base raiding game. I’m so hooked lol. I joined an alliance and laid low for awhile because my base and troops were so weak. But I made friends with several alliance members, and now I’ve followed them from one alliance to another and then another. I like being one of the guys, so to speak. I love building and gathering types of games and I’m pretty competitive at times. I’ve just never played any for very long, until now. This is what I do when I have a spare moment, or I’m taking a break from work. So, thought I’d write about it. Hope you like it. Thoughts?

Gang’s All Here  by Karolyn H


Melody of beeps, increasingly louder…
The alarm drags me out of my slumber.
I fumble for my phone and swipe it off.
It’s quiet, no one’s up. Dark. Why am I….?
Oh yeah. E&A Alliance War.
Sitting up, I check Messenger.
4a in the alliance group chat wreaking havoc. Someone must be drunk, lol.
Ricky sending hearts and Sandan telling us to attack early.
‘Yarrrr!’ I text, before leaving Messenger and opening the game app.
While the game takes foreeeveeeerrrrr to load,
I put on my robe and slipper socks and sit in my office chair.
Game loads. X out the annoying ad.
First things first: check time remaining until alliance war begins.
15 minutes. Good, plenty of time.
Tap alliance war shield.
Apply Strike Force to base defensive buildings.
Request additional defensive troops from alliance members.
Back to my base. Tap tap tap to collect fuel, steel, tech, resources.
Damn, attacked 3 times overnight? Revive Colossus in the Robotics Bay.
Open War Factory, collect Command Points bonus that’s finished building.
Purchase elite cache with Advance Materials, get a construction boost, resource boost, and 30 gold.
Tap on fuel stockpile, tap on speedup icon to request help from alliance.
Check Call to Arms mission. Nevermind, I’ll worry about that after I use my AW attacks.
Guess I’ll wait to finish Killswitch after the war too.
Need a couple more uplink modules so I can build another Ion Cannon.
Tap on Alliance chat. Gang’s all here. I smile.
Swarm: wzup dragon!
Gen Dragon (me): thanks for the troops. Ready to kick some ass
Swarm: Everyone pick your targets, claim them.
Steveo: I’ll take nomad, 72xp
Dragon: I’m fine with my recommended target for first attack
Illbreed: Ready to nuke something. I’ll go for bitbit, 71xp
Spos: I’m on my way to work guys, I’ll attack when I can
4a: Fuck you all!
Dragon: lol
Hard Target: I finally upgraded HQ to 20
Ricky: hey, way to go buddy
ANNOUNCEMENT: War’s about to start. Load strike force. Attack early. Don’t waste attacks
Sandan: Dragon, switch to squad deployment, instead of individual.
Dragon: roger that.
X out of chat. Tap on HQ, switch to squad deployment.
Apply auto repair boost to Colossus from Inventory.
Apply bonus command points boost to Weapons Command.
Apply strike force to 3 troop tarmacs.
Banner pops up on the screen. Alliance War has begun.
Tap on alliance war shield.
Screen freezes, then…
World map zooms in. There’s my base.
Recommended target is identified. Tap on Scout.
Adrenaline rush.
Here we go!


Wednesday’s Wafers V

Wednesday’s Wafers: weekly series where I share some of my own recent writing.

Chapter 3 of my short story has arrived. I think it’s turning itself into a Mystery!

Ch. 3  A.P.E.  by Karolyn H  ——-  [Ch. 1] [Ch. 2] [Ch. 4]


I hopped into my 1979 Toyota 4×4, and pulled the door shut. Starting the engine, I rolled down the driver’s side window and adjusted the mirror. My Golden Boxer, Soco, was sprawled out on the porch, looking a bit dejected, ears drooping sadly.

boxer “I’ll be back tonight, beautiful. Keep an eye on things, like you always do.” She woofed once in reply, with a brief wag of her tail.

I drove down the dirt driveway, avoiding the cavernous pothole around the curve. Glancing in the rear-view mirror, I took a long look at the crab apple tree planted several feet from the porch steps. I remember the day we dug the hole for it. It was three years ago, on a Saturday, and the sun was shining through the trees surrounding our small farmhouse and patch of property. We’d started early, to avoid having to work in the heat that was expected later in the day.

I hadn’t had any previous experience with gardening unless you count mowing the lawn and watering potted flowers. You had somehow convinced me that we needed this tree, so there we were, lowering the fledgling tree’s mass of roots into the hole. After filling in around it with the rest of the soil that had been dug out, you stood there with the hose, watering it for a good ten minutes. I smiled, remembering how you’d “accidentally” sprayed me a few times, feigning innocence. I had returned the favor, which led to a serious water fight and both of us being drenched after only a few minutes. sprayhose

Pulling out onto the main road that led to the highway, I checked the clock on the dash. 9:41. Glad I stopped for gas when I went to the store yesterday. Stopping now would make me late.

I cruised along, my mind running down the list of chores I would be doing at Mr. Pagano’s house today. When he hired me, he’d given me a general idea of what he expected, but left it up to me to plan out my time. This was unexpected, but a pleasant surprise.

Turning onto Cedar Lane, I slowed down then pulled up to the third house on the left. A cream and white postmodern four-bedroom home, with an immaculate lawn lined with carefully trimmed hedges.

I was barely on time, although it probably wasn’t a big issue as Mr. Pagano had already left for his job three hours ago. Parking in front of the garage, on the farthest side from the entryway, I grabbed my purse and phone and walked up the stone path. Second-guessing my memory, I rooted around in my wallet for the slip of paper I had copied the new entry code down on. Nicholas had called me yesterday to let me know he had digital keypads installed over the weekend.   

keypad After pressing each of the six numbers carefully, I heard the lock click, then grasped the curved handle. As I was pushing the door open, I remembered just in time to look down and be alert for Spooky—who should have been named Sneaky—who, according to Mr. Pagano, liked to wait in the shadows and attempt to slip out the door if you weren’t quick enough.

No kitty monster in sight as I closed the door. A duplicate keypad was on the far wall of the foyer, and I crossed quickly to enter the same code within 90 seconds to disarm the alarm. Well, I fucked it up the first time, the keypad flashing red accusingly at me. Anticipating the blaring alarm, I was ready to cover my ears, while cursing and entering the code correctly this time.

Spooky meowed in greeting from the staircase, then immediately ran to the kitchen, to sit by his food dish. I followed, and set my purse down on the counter.

I spied a note Mr. Pagano had left for me on the table. It included a grocery list and a message about garbage and recycling pick-up days. He thanked me again, and had signed ‘Nick’ with a flourish at the bottom.

After taking care of the ravenous beast, I located the door that led to the garage, and ventured in to look for the plastic garbage and recycling receptacles. They were over in the corner nearest the wide automatic garage door. Looking around, I observed that this was likely the cleanest and most organized garage I’d ever seen. Hopefully that meant that I wouldn’t meet up with too many creepy crawlies.

I lifted the green bin marked “Recyclables”, and saw that it was only about a third of the way full. I was about to drop the lid, when my eyes locked on to the distinct mustard yellow color of a manila envelope sticking out from under some newspaper ads.

I reached in and grabbed it, hoping to find some of its original contents still inside. It was empty. I was disappointed, but was not surprised. I flipped it over, and read the address label, confirming that this was the same envelope I’d briefly seen last Friday. It was addressed to Mr. Nicholas Pagano, and was from Absolute Protection Enterprises. Or, A.P.E. for short. I snickered, even as I rifled through the other papers on the top of the pile, looking for anything that might be from the same company.

Not finding anything that appeared useful, I laid the envelope on top of the bin and snapped a photo of the address with my phone, then tossed it back inside.

I hadn’t discovered any visible cameras in the living area last week, when I had briefly scouted the place while vacuuming. But I mentally kicked myself for not checking the garage just now, before taking the photo. Looking around again, but with an eye for blinking lights and reflective lenses, I was relieved that there didn’t appear to be any in here either.

My husband, Morgan, would have commented that for someone who managed a security company, this guy didn’t appear to represent the industry very well. He would have said that, if he were around.

A lump formed in my throat, and my eyes teared up. I brushed them away and gave my head a shake, to clear away the memories for the time being. I needed to be strong and I damn sure needed to find out what really happened to my cowboy, the love of my life.

Back in the kitchen, I brewed a cup of java and started planning dinners for the week, exploring the pantry and refrigerator to find out if anything else should be added to Mr. Pagano’s grocery list.


After a busy day of shopping, cleaning and dodging kitten attacks, I was glad to be headed home. A good country song came on the radio so I turned it up and sang along all the way to the end my driveway. I locked it up, and Soco ran up to greet me, bouncing around, overjoyed that I hadn’t abandoned her forever.

Before climbing the steps, I stopped in front of our crab apple tree, affectionately named ‘Auntie Apple’ by Morgan the day after she was planted. I reached out and touched one of her branches, and whispered, “Thank you for holding my fears.” This was one of our rituals. It was his idea. He said that we should always feel safe in our home and in each other’s arms, so he declared that Auntie Apple would be appointed to hold our fears for us before stepping inside. And in his arms, there had only been love.

Soco followed me inside, and raced me to the sofa, jumping up just before I dropped heavily onto the cushion next to her. She laid her head on my lap and looked up at me with those dark, expressive eyes of hers. “I know, angel. I miss him too.”

But now I am finally starting to heal and was ready to continue on the path towards some concrete answers. I laid my head back to relax, and caressed Soco’s soft ears. My mind, refusing to relax, was spinning, as I wondered how long I would have to wait, until I could access Mr. Pagano’s laptop. He was in the dark as far as any relation I had to Morgan, and his own company. But he certainly was not in the dark about events that led up to my husband’s disappearance.


Wednesday’s Wafers IV

Wednesday’s Wafers: weekly series where I share some of my own recent writing.

I’ll write the next chapter in my short story for an upcoming post.

algeria  Today, I’m sharing a newly revised and expanded version of a poem that I wrote six years ago, after returning from two weeks spent in Algeria (North Africa). Amazing how few details remain as fresh as the day they happened, yet those are the important ones. More photos below.

Journey  by Karolyn H


Airports and airplanes
uncomfortable, lonely.
Restless legs, restless heart.

First meal in Algiers
Fries, salad, bread, and juice.
Smiles and sallams.
City sidewalks, cracked and pitted.
Treacherous traffic, always alert.

Long drive through the city
ice cream surprise!
First kiss, first touch

Mountains change to desert
our bus drives on.
Repairs in the night
send us stargazing.

Heavy, metal door opens wide.
Wooden sofa for American guest.
Winding staircase cut in stone up to the roof.

Eating with the family
Bismallah, koli koli! alhamdulillah.
Sharing, laughing
new foods, new words, new friends.

We climb the old castle
all around is El Golea!
Palms, palms, desert, wonders.

So much to see,
Photos and more photos.
Shopping for scarves, trinkets, lantern.
Strong coffee in little cups, surrounded by men.
Museum showcasing artifacts, intricate desert rose sand formations.
Single peach and white church.
Call to prayers and the mosque.

Yamina prepares wonderful food,
Shares in mutual halting conversation.
Meals together, shared by all.

Omi, always with a song, a laugh
Nacer, persistantly playing soccer
Shiek, humble and serious.
My Hachemi, generous, happy, responsible.

Omama, my little teacher.
Ahmed’s beaming ibtisama.
Fatima, Meriem, Fatiha, Karim,
forever joking, talking.
Hamida, Soumia, Jakout, my dance partners.

Children, lovely children everywhere!
Little creature underfoot…is that a hedgehog?
Moad inexplicably carries around a hairdryer.
Merimuuu! beautiful as her mother, Fadia.
Yasine, thoughtful, reminds me so much of my own son.

Tibo, Maouad, like family.
Women shopping, talking,
heading to school to teach and to learn.

Prepare yourself! I am instructed.
It’s time for Ghardaia.
Crazy driving, good music.
and many gifts to find.

Wrap me in blue!
Cousins gather around,
Henna is applied.
I sit and I wait for it to set and listen to the ladies speaking Arabic and French.
A little mascara,…and a hijab?

Riding out in a white jeep,
Up and over, down and hang on!
Tea, three cups, sugar and mint.
Crackling fire, first taste of lamb.
Setting sun
as four men perform Salat
at the top of the dune.
My dream is reality.

El Golea is in my heart.
the places
the food
the unforgettable people.
Shokran, shokran!
Insha’allah, I will return.


sallams – short for asalamalakim greeting
Bismallah – said before eating meals
koli koli! – eat, eat!
alhamdulillah – said after meals (praise be to God)
ibtisama – smile
hijab – head scarf
jemels – camels
Salat – prayer
shokran – thank you
Insha’allah – God willing